Writing Clearly: Style: The Basics of Clarity and Grace

When my dad read my dissertation, I could see the lines of concentration on his forehead getting deeper and deeper. This is not what I want when someone reads my work. I don't want to give them a headache. Since writing clearly has never been one of my strengths, I invested in a book on the subject: Style: The Basics of Clarity and Grace by Williams and Colomb.

My dissertation was my first test subject. I took a paragraph, which, reading it back almost a year after graduating, I struggled to understand, and edited it according to the advice in the book...

Original:

I begin with a brief overview of definitions of Servitium Amoris provided by current scholarship.  I will focus on the works of Copley and Oliver Lyne since they have both written extensively on Roman Love Elegy and specifically on Servitium Amoris. In his paper on Servitium Amoris, Copley highlights this theme as central to Roman Love Elegy; for him the Roman Love Elegists make it ‘a veritable doctrine of love’ in which ‘servitium is virtually a synonym for amor.’ He emphasises as the defining feature of the theme ‘the lover’s humility and abasement’ in performing tasks more suited to a slave as a demonstration of his love. Oliver Lyne likewise emphasises the ‘degradation... humiliation and abasement’ essential to Servitium Amoris, though he argues that the state illustrated by the theme is more realistic and pertinent than has previously been conceded. Lyne affirms that the Roman love elegists expressed romantic love which I will demonstrate is akin to our modern understanding of the romantic concept. The accuracy of Lyne and Copley’s assessment of the importance of Servitium Amoris within Roman Love Elegy will be demonstrated throughout this dissertation; however, it is possible to achieve a more precise definition of Servitium Amoris. (212 words)

Edited Version:

Firstly, I will analyse how scholars define Servitium Amoris.  Copley and Oliver Lyne have not only written extensively about Roman Love Elegy but also specifically on Servitium Amoris. Copley highlights Servitium Amoris as a central theme of Roman Love Elegy, a theme displaying ‘a veritable doctrine of love’ in which ‘servitium is virtually a synonym for amor’, involving a lover who demonstrates his love through servile acts demonstrating ‘humility and abasement’. Oliver Lyne likewise emphasises the ‘degradation... humiliation and abasement’ of Servitium Amoris, but argues that it is more realistic than has previously been conceded. Lyne affirms that the Roman love elegists expressed romantic love; I will demonstrate that it is Servitium Amoris specifically that is akin to the modern romantic concept. Lyne and Copley assess the importance of Servitium Amoris in Roman Love Elegy accurately, as will be demonstrated by this dissertation; however, Servitium Amoris can be more precisely defined. (156 words)

Frustratingly, I struggled to reduce my word count when I was editing my dissertation. I was obviously making life more difficult for myself than necessary and had I used some of the techniques explained in the book (such as avoiding nominalisation and putting the topic at the beginning of the sentence) I could have easily cut words and included more relevant information.

I would recommend this book to anyone who wants to improve their writing style and their awareness of how they structure their work.